On the surface it’s this expansive mass of beauty. It’s calm, inviting hues of sapphire blue and emerald green waves dance across the horizon. The backdrop of which one can only dream of what exists on the other side.
As we gaze on it’s dreamy beauty and soft whispers of what could be, we become mesmerized by what is not seen underneath.
On any given day the calm, beauty that fills our bottle with memories of sweet nothings brings a picture of pure joy and contentment.
Yet, the reality must be painted that once we dive beneath the surface or see the extraneous elements move in, the beauty can soon become filled with dark, tumultuous and life-altering moments filled with the questions of despair and hopelessness.
It’s as an adoptee not knowing if on the other side of the horizon you will ever know the beauty of a birth family origin.
It’s not knowing if this missing chapter in your story will cripple your life with a forever void of important information.
It’s not knowing if this choice-their choice-will chain you to a prison of rejection fear, abandonment pain and identity chasing.
It’s not just the adoptee who’s beauty can change to a violent thrashing of drowning waves leaving one lost and with out hope.
It’s as an adoptive parent not knowing if this child who shouts “I hate you!” will ever like you.
It’s not knowing if the gut-wrenching grief that this precious one carries will ever be healed.
It’s not knowing if in the storm of change whether your navigation system will be enough to get you through this dark moment in a sea of unannounced storms.
There’s the birth parent. The primal wound that sits at the eye of the storm.
They were there in the beginning. Their decision blew the beautiful moment into something dark and forever life altering for more than themselves.
But, usually, they do not know that the storm has moved in to the other side of the horizon. They are forced to live life as if the beauty has always been and always will be there. At least it appears that way on the surface, but for many we know that diving below would show a cavernous hole that protects the epicenter from imploding.
How do we move past the superficial beauty as we dare to journey through adoption into the dark, stormy moments of despair and hopelessness?
How do we cling to something that gives us the strength to put one foot in front of the other without knowing the direction we are going?
How do we find enough protection in these moments that allows us to surface from the storm with a resolve that somewhere, sometime, things will be better?
How do we tell ourselves that the slashes of words, the gouges of ghost families, the broken dream of a life once seemingly calm and normal will heal only to make us stronger in the end?
How do we dare to journey through adoption and expect to make it through to the other side of the horizon unless we keep Hope deep within our souls?
It doesn’t matter which part of the triad you enter the horizon. We ALL must dare to journey through that which we have come to know as adoption.
This sea of beauty, swells of despair, and journey through something beyond ourselves must be done with a life preserver of Hope.
Without it, not one would be able to keep their head above water long enough to see what may be true in the horizon.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~ Hebrews 11:1
As an adoptee and adoptive mom, I hold tight to Hope. To not do so, is to allow what only the eye can see to deceive me and keep me helpless in the storm.
Yes, there are many countless and unexpected waves that gulf us on this journey.
But, there are also many calm, beautiful, days filled with corral sunsets and refreshing waters.
I have to continually remind myself that in the swells that threaten to engulf me, unless I swim towards Hope in the horizon, I will expend more energy doubting survival than fighting for survival.
And it’s as I swim towards that horizon, fighting to survive that which threatens to drown me, that I find The Hand that has guided me like a current the whole time.
I didn’t see it.
I didn’t realize it was carrying me in a direction that I fought against.
No matter where I am in this journey I can’t let go of the fact that Hope is what has kept me afloat even when I didn’t know it was there.
No matter where I am in this journey and no matter what storm brews over me, I will get through it if I cling to my preserver of Hope.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13
As I end this series, my prayer for you dear reader is that no matter where you are or what part of adoption you enter through, that you would find and cling to the Hope that will get you safely to the horizon ahead and fill you with the joy that’s beyond what we can see on the surface.
Are you currently fighting for survival in a storm? I hope you will share so we can join with you and encourage you to swim toward the horizon.