Standing Behind The Door Of Fear…

She stood there at the door peering around it’s edge as if not to be seen. She so desperately wanted to step around the massive, moveable wall, but stood paralyzed. Her fear gripped her once again as she heard the voice that had become so familiar… you don’t belong there, you will be rejected.

This thing called “Fear”, it was the big, looming monster that would breathe over me in any given situation where I had to feel confident in myself. It’s breath would cripple me as the mere thought of rejection ringing true would bring a typhoon wave of self doubt.

My outside appearances could contend with the most unexpressive poker face leaving onlookers fooled at what was truth. This little girl who had come with different eyes, different skin and a different entrance into the life of this family would reside inside of the adult woman always reminding me of the fear I had grown to know so well.

As a child growing up as a “transracial adoptee” (adopted from one race into a different race) the hurtful words from others told me different eyes, skin, the unique entrance into my family through adoption, didn’t make me unique in a good way, but were a deficit to who I was precipitating rejection.

This is where adoption can bring one like me… Through a journey, a past, riddled with self-doubt and fear based on circumstances and physical features that do not allow inclusion in the most basic sense of society.

To be plagued by the fear of rejection.

So many times through my journey I would stand at that door peering around it’s edge. The fear of what might be would hold me back from experiencing what was supposed to be. Feeling the monsters breath would be enough to make me turn and walk away. Only to miss out on experiencing life, joy, fullness. Self rejection was safer than rejection by others and it was by my choosing, my control of my environment which adoptees can feel little of.

How many of us fight it? This fear? This grip of rejection?

Adoptee, Adoptive Parent, Birth Parent, Human Being ~
Isn’t this a door many have stood behind only to stand paralyzed by the possibility on the other side?

It’s on this healing journey that I have learned to cling to a fear that is beneficial and not detrimental.

It’s on this healing journey that I am able to stop peering around the edge of the door afraid of the possibilities on the other side. It’s on this healing journey that I am able to allow the breath of the monster to blow by me without inhaling it’s toxicity.

Fear in people and things is not what we were designed for…

Doing things out of a fear of man adds to my already existing baggage, depleting my spirit and making me feel worse about who I am. It’s a betrayal of self that never adds to our existence or worth.

“in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?” ~ Psalm 56:11

God designed us for relationship with each other, but more importantly with Him. Perfect love casts out fear, and if I know the one true God, then I know his perfect love… Abba Father. There is no healthy fear when it’s placed in man, only when it’s placed in God. Doing things out of a healthy fear of God builds me up, builds my spirit up, it makes me feel good about who I am. It is beneficial fear.

“The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not
be visited by harm.” ~ Proverbs 19:23

As an adoptee and adoptive parent I see this daily tension of fear in myself and my kids. Whether we are adopted or not we need to be amongst those who build others up and not tear them down. We need to help our adopted children see and believe that the shape of their eyes, the color of their skin, their entrance into our family was God’s creative hand on them. He loves them so very much that he wanted them to know they are a one of a kind, unique being that he put specific thought into creating unlike anyone else.

We need to teach and believe where our worth comes from and that when we place our value in “Who’s” we are we will never be rejected.

Do you struggle with a fear of man? How do you overcome your fear?