Filling In The Blanks Completes A Story, Not A Life

Writing ones heart in cyberspace for anyone to see comes with very mixed emotions and fears. So, why do it, right?

As I began writing to chronicle our adoption and then eventually give a space to allow community for those who need to see adoptive family life transparently, real, raw, God continues to lead me in where my small, one voice of thousands of bloggers should speak.

The fact that I can share life from both sides of the fence is a privilege and I don’t take the time, your time, for granted when you come to Smore Stories. What has recently surprised me is the response from other adoptees in recent posts on my own healing journey.

I’ve had such immense privilege of connecting with others who also share the same journey, this road to healing. Some adoptees may not wrestle with this journey as deeply as others, but yet again, maybe some don’t want to face it and turn away from it doing everything they can to deny it’s existence in their life.

If you are the parent of an adoptee, have you asked yourself what it is that your child is really{I mean REALLY} asking for?

In the beginning I wanted love. I wanted security. I wanted to be fought for. I wanted to know that I mattered to someone…anyone, and I would do anything to get it, even if it appeared as if I was pushing others away, even if it appeared as if I was begging. As much as I wanted to feel it quickly, It would require persistence and time by my parents.

Into my teen years I wanted to belong. I wanted to be significant. I wanted to achieve. I wanted to be seen by my peers and those around me.

And now as an adult, married and a parent I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to fear. I don’t want to run from the things that have held me captive, held me back from a full and free life as a wife, mother, friend, human being.

Yet, isn’t this something we all strive for, contemplate, wrestle with in life?

I, myself, not my circumstances have been my own worst enemy. From what I’ve chosen to believe about my past, to how I have allowed the pain to root deep in my soul, to how I have sought answers. I have chosen the path of coming to terms with it all, and I alone have to take responsibility for allowing it to control so many years of my life.

At what cost will I seek to get the answers I think will solve my problems, heal my wounds, free me from the things that chain me in my own prison?

How many years of my life will I lose by constantly looking back and searching for answers I may never have?

I had to honestly ask myself… What is important for me to know that would change the trajectory of my life in this moment?

I can’t change the past. I can’t change the circumstances. I can only change how I allow those things to determine my future.

What would meeting my birth parents change in the trajectory of the life I want to have?

What would hearing an explanation for why it happened change how I feel about myself today?

What would knowing ___________ change ______________?

Filling in all the blanks would complete my story, but it would
not complete my life.

I think I want to think some magical, fairy tale ending would be the result, but in reality that is unlikely.

Much like Jacob in the bible I have wrestled with God for a very long time. But I realized recently that my wrestle with God was not for him to bless me but was that I wanted him to make others bless me. I thought having answers would be the blessing that would allow me to be free from my past. It wasn’t until I realized the One I was wrestling with was the only one who could truly bless me and free me from my past.

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.
I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you. 
Genesis 28:15

What is it that is driving your own journey(adoptee or not) and what is it that will truly complete your life?